


Derek vs iPhone

by colorofakiss



Series: Puppy Piles What Puppy Piles? [3]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: I don't know how to write smut lol what am I doing, Multi, Pack Dynamics, Pack Feels, Pack Mom Stiles Stilinski, Polyamory, Texting, Underage Kissing, Underage Sex, fluff bits, if not i'll tag as i put chapters up, iphone fails, mention of a sex toy, talks about sex, that's it I think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-26
Updated: 2012-09-29
Packaged: 2017-11-15 01:48:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/521845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colorofakiss/pseuds/colorofakiss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Derek regrets letting Peter talk him into this new phone with its stupid autocorrect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Round 1

**Author's Note:**

> I recently had a friend who didn't know how to work her iphone and lots of autocorrect ridiculousness ensued that inspired this fic. The pack is moving closer to where I want them to be for poly feels. Thank you for reading this silly bit of fic. un-beta'd all mistakes are my own.

To: Little Red  
4:30 pm

Could ewe bring your cock over so we could redesign the weird sex?

Stiles choked so hard his eyes were watering. That must be it, he couldn't see the screen properly, otherwise there'd be no way he read that text correctly. He took another glance after getting tissue to wipe his eyes. Nope, it still said the same thing.

To: Sourwuff  
4:37 pm

uuuuummm, u wanna elaborate on that?

To: Little Red  
4:38 pm

That sex the group has been talking about, it's grenades really stegosaurus.

To: Sourwuff  
4:39 pm

uuuuummmmmm?

To: Little Red  
4:40 pm

What are ewe bisexual?

To: Sourwuff  
4:41 pm

UUMMmm???

To: Little Red  
4:42 pm

Why do ewe keep saying tights?

To: Sourwuff  
4:43 pm

u might want to reread those last txts u sent

To: Little Red  
4:44 pm

Jesus Fucking Christmas! I got a new prostitute and I don't know how to work it yet.

To: Sourwuff  
4:45

i rly hope u meant phone there

To: Little Red  
4:46 pm

Fucking Albatross! I didn't mean prostitute I meant prostitute.

To Sourwuff  
4:47 pm

that didn't clear it up

To: Little Red  
4:48 pm

No, I meant prostitute. 

To: Sourwuff  
4:49 pm

r we goin to have to have a talk bout ur nymphomaniac problem

 

Stiles answered his phone as soon as it started ringing. 

"So, new phone eh?"

"I'm going to kill my uncle," Derek gritted out.

"Again?"

"He insisted on getting an upgrade for his phone, even though his isn't that old. Then he insisted on a new phone for me. So, now I have this what is it, iPhone thing, and it's on some sort of autocorrect. Please tell me you've heard of autocorrect," Derek tried to keep from pleading, but his voice came out strained. 

"I know what autocorrect is, but that means that you've typed all those words before. Ewes, grenades, cock, sex, stegosaurus? Really, what have you been talking about with your uncle?" 

"Now I know why he wanted to have that ridiculous conversation earlier. He went off on a tangent about every little thing, I thought he was just trying out his phone."

"Your uncle is a frightening mastermind, you really need to stop having him talk you into things," Stiles told Derek.

"I know, he's been going on about fixing the house since he's been back, but I know he wants to do it for some ulterior purpose."

"Oh, um not that, I meant other things. I think you need to fix the house too, and might have mentioned it to him so he'd talk to you about it," Stiles sheepishly added. 

"Stiles!"

"What? That house needs rebuilding. You and Peter hang out there, the pack hangs out there, I hang out there because of all of you and I worry every time that it's going to end up crashing down on me. You all will be okay, but the fragile human will be dead if your rickety charred lumber has finally had enough." 

"I didn't know you worried about it," Derek answered softly. 

"I don't like letting you know I worry because then you worry. It's a snowball effect. Besides, I sort of thought you'd start fixing it, when, you know, you were ready. Not that I'm saying that you need to be ready anytime soon, but just that, when you were ready," Stiles rushed out. 

"I don't know if I can, handle seeing it like..." Derek trailed off but Stiles understood.

"So make it different, it doesn't have to be the same. If you want my two cents, the kitchen needs to be ten times bigger if you want me to feed our walking garbage disposals." 

"It's terrifying how much they eat."

"Teen werewolves, whatcha going to do? I bet you were just the same, you just don't remember it." 

"Peter would know. I wasn't the only teen." 

"You know, Peter is terrifying but I really need to harass him for stories of you when you were younger."

"Don't you dare. I can just imagine what he'd tell you."

"What were you trying to say earlier when you started talking about grenades?"

"I was trying to ask if you could bring your computer over so we could research that horrible stench that the pack keeps smelling. They say it's getting stronger, and Peter and I caught a whiff of it earlier." 

"So, you didn't want to have kinky sex with weapons and prostitutes?"

"What? No, fuck, that wasn't, Stiles," Derek stumbled over his words making Stiles grin. 

"So, you don't want to have kinky sex? Or are you still wondering about my sexuality?"

"What? Jesus Christ, Stiles," Derek huffed out. 

"I mean, is it still considered bisexual when the species differ? Maybe I should ask Peter that too? Or about what kinky werewolf sex practices I should be aware of?"

"Oh my God," Derek groaned, "I can't believe this is the conversation we are having. I just wanted to borrow you and your research skills." Stiles could hear Derek banging his head on a hard surface. 

"So, you don't want my cock to come over there?"

"I, what, that's not what I, I didn't, not that I don't, but not that I meant that, or meant to say that, I mean do you, wait forget that I, I mean what, do I?" In the most words Stiles had ever heard Derek string together was an admission somewhere. Stiles just had to find it. 

"Teasing you is too easy, Prudewolf," Stiles laughed to himself. 

"I'm not a prude." 

"Could've fooled me."

"Stiles."

"Keep your pants on, or maybe off, I'm coming over with my computer," Stiles told Derek before hanging up.

Stiles shook his head, wondering what the ulterior motive was for Peter trying to get Derek into Stiles' pants. Maybe he actually wanted to see Derek happy. Stiles snorted, nah, that would be too easy.


	2. Round 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson didn't know what Derek was trying to say, but he was pretty sure it had to do with some kinky stuff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last update for the night, I just really wanted to get this one in :) Poor Jackson, he doesn't understand why Derek keeps talking about some weird sex position. Derek ends up knowing more than he asked for, which is okay really. Thank you for leaving kudos and commenting, you make me wish I had all day to jam these out for you :) un-beta'd mistakes are my own

To: Hale  
12:33 pm

I don't think I can keep lying to Danny about everything. He's getting really suspicious.

To: Blue Eyed Beta  
12:34 pm

Too munchkins prostate already know. 

To: Hale  
12: 35 pm

Are you having a stroke?

To: Blue Eyed Beta  
12:36 pm

No, why wood ewe think tights?

To: Hale  
12: 37 pm

No reason, just that you're not making any fucking sense. This is kind of serious.

To: Blue Eyed Beta  
12:38 pm

I know tights why I don't want ewe to shark allison. 

To: Hale  
12:39 pm

Are you shitting me right now?

To: Blue Eyed Beta  
12:31 pm

I'm not sexing ewe.

To: Hale  
12:32 pm

Thank fucking God for that. What does sex have to do with any of this?!

To: Blue Eyed Beta  
12:33 pm

I didn't shark allison about sex. Why are ewe taffy about sex?

To: Hale  
12:34 pm

Look, Derek I don't know what kind of sex arrangement you have with Stiles but I'm pretty sure Scott would have a problem with you "sharking" Allison. Can we please talk about Danny now?

To: Blue Eyed Beta  
12: 35 pm

Jesus Fucking Christmas! Not aftershave!

To: Hale  
12:36 pm

Are you shaving while you're texting? It's about time, you were getting to look like a lumberjack. 

 

Jackson picked up his phone on the second ring. He was very interested in what Derek had to say. 

"I don't look like a lumberjack," was Derek's opening statement. 

"Really? That's what you have to say to me? After you've been talking about your prostate, and some ridiculous sex position with Allison, and sheep, this is what you say?" Jackson asked incredulously. 

"I probably should have started this conversation with, I have a new phone and it's stuck on autocorrect," Derek amended.

"Don't you look at what you're typing?"

"I didn't used to have to with my other phone. I'm not used to it yet and Stiles already fixed it once but Peter just switched it back again."

"So, you weren't talking about having sex with Allison?"

"No! I haven't even, nevermind, can we not talk about sex right now, you were talking about Danny?" Derek tried to cover his mistake but he wasn't quick enough.

"You haven't had sex with Stiles yet? I don't believe that, your eyefucks are legendary. They can't be that powerful if you haven't done it yet," Jackson stated with authority. Derek sighed. "You really haven't?" Jackson backtracked as Derek's silence told him everything.

"No," Derek growled slightly. 

"That's no reason to try and have sex with Allison. I mean, she thinks you're hot or whatever if her scent is anything to go by, but I'm pretty sure Scott hasn't noticed. And if you wanted to have sex with someone you should just ask Erica, because her and Boyd have an open pack policy. If Stiles is cool with that type of thing."

"I wasn't trying to have sex with Allison, and what about Erica now? What's an open pack policy?" Derek questioned, pinching the bridge of his nose as he felt the beginning of a headache.

"Well, you know they're together right? Awhile back, don't know when, they figured out that they'd stay together but if one or the other wanted to start something with another pack member it'd be cool. Some other stuff about talking it out, Lydia was trying to explain it to me the other day. It sort of makes sense," Jackson explained, pacing the floor of his room.

"So, if you wanted to have sex with Erica, it would be fine with Boyd as long as they talked it over?" 

"Yeah, if I wanted to be gelded by Lydia first then yes," Jackson admitted. 

"You two are very much monogamous then?"

"Oh, no that's not what I meant. I just meant that Lydia would want first dibbs. It's a power thing you know," Jackson added. 

"Lydia would want to have sex with Erica?" Derek was getting to know much more about his pack in this one conversation than he had in the past month. 

"Have you seen Erica? Who doesn't want to have sex with her?" 

"Err-" Derek tried but stopped himself. 

"Oh come on, fess up, both you and Stiles would have sex with her, it's not a big fucking secret," Jackson shook his head to himself. 

"I think we're getting off track, you were saying something about Danny?"

"Yeah, I was before you went on a rant about munchkins' prostates. Look, Danny is like, my plus one. Scott had Allison as his plus one. Acutally, he had Stiles too, so really he had a plus two. Lydia would be my plus one but she's immune and already knows all this stuff. Danny deserves to know." 

"It will be dangerous for him, to know all of this."

"It's dangerous for him to not know. Plus, I'm running out of lies to tell him about where I've been lately. He's going to end up going to Stiles' house one day for advice and it might be a day we just all happen to be there."

"I'll think about it."

"Thank you, that's more than I was hoping for. Really though, you need to talk to Stiles about this sex thing. Also, about Isaac needing to keep it in his pants. His hormones are starting to get to me and then I'm forced to have awkward conversations with Lydia. Like I can't help it if he's nice to look at and then he's giving off that citrus scent." 

"Um, I think maybe that's a conversation you need to have with yourself about Isaac. I am going to talk with Stiles and see if he knows this thing about Erica and Boyd."

"Why you want in?"

"I, what, that's not what I-" Derek spluttered but Jackson cut him off.

"Uh huh, wow you're a horrible liar over the phone. Thanks for thinking about Danny, I gotta go," Jackson replied before hanging up. 

Derek sighed to himself. He really needed to fix this autocorrect situation. Although, Derek had to admit, it kept providing more information than he intended for. Still, munchkins' prostates? No wonder Peter had wanted to talk about The Wizard of Oz, right after inquiring about his prostate health.


	3. Round 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scott doesn't know what Derek and Stiles get up to in the bedroom but he knows they better leave Allison out of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Scott, he just doesn't know how to process anyone's feelings or scents. Derek is trying to help, but even he admits Stiles is better at this type of thing. The pack is moving forward into poly territory. Slowly but surely. Thank you for reading this silly bit of fic :) un-beta'd all mistakes are my own

To: derek  
1:43 pm

r we havn a pack meetin 2day? i think i smelt dat wierd smell like rotten eggs

To: Scott  
1:44 pm

Where did ewe sex it?

To: derek  
1:45 pm

um i didn't sex it, just smelt it

To: Scott  
1:46 pm

Where?

To: derek  
1:46 pm

near alli's house i don like dat itz there

To: Scott  
1:47 pm

We can try to suck it out at the promiscuous menswear. 

To: derek  
1:48 pm

dude! i don kno what kinkie stuffs u n stiles get up 2 but i'm not down for dat, at least not w/menswear or with u

To: Scott  
1:49 pm

Why does everyone kittens talking about sex with me? 

To: derek  
1:50 pm

who got kittens? whos been talkn bout sex with u? r u cheatn on stiles!? wait, did u n stiles finally figure out if ur datin? ur datin right? 

To: Scott  
1:51 pm

What about kittens? Jackson said he wouldn't shark allison to Danny about us, and then we ended up talking about sex. It's been a weird whales.

To: derek  
1:52 pm

WTF! what did jackson say about allison and sex, oh no my claus r out eklam and i cant ek nte type proijeo witht dem sklfj whales????@3@

 

Scott put Derek on speakerphone when he saw that the alpha was calling him. The last time he held his phone too long with his claws out, it snapped in half and he was pretty sure his mom would kill him if he broke another phone. 

"Before you say anything about your tragic love to Allison, let me tell you that my stupid phone is on autocorrect and I don't know how to fix it yet," Derek started. 

"Oh. So, you didn't mean to say what I'm pretty sure would lead to me killing Jackson and then you?" 

"No, Scott, no one is having sex with Allison but you," Derek reassured Scott. 

"Good, cuz I've been smelling some weird smells lately, and I'm not sure I like what they're implying," Scott huffed as his claws retracted. 

"What weird smells, more sulphur?"

"I don't know what that is, but if it's not lemons then no. Everytime the pack ends up in a puppy pile, there are, smells, and I keep smelling lemons and I know what lemons mean Derek. Lemons are what Allison smells like when we are, um, alone together," Scott felt his ears turn red. He didn't talk about that type of thing with anyone, not even Stiles. Well, except to tell Stiles that he had had sex, but that was it. 

"Maybe you should be having this talk with Allison? I don't-"

"I know, but you brought it up, and I don't want to have this talk but we are, so, there," Scott responded stubbornly. He really didn't want to be talking to Derek about his girlfriend's sexual preferences, or about anyone's sexual preferences. In fact Scott would be quite happy to never have to talk about sex with Derek ever, but he couldn't let it go now. 

"What do you want me to say? She's attracted to other people, you're attracted to other people, in fact most of the pack is-"

"Wait, wait, what do you mean I'm attracted to other people?! I'm not," Scott trailed off as he replayed every pack interaction he'd ever had in his head. 

"Do you really not know what you smell like?"

"I smell like me, I can't sniff myself Derek! If I could I'd probably be able to use less cologne!"

"Is that why your cologne is always so strong and-"

"And I mean that's just ridiculous. It's just Allison for me. I mean we've been spending a lot of time with Isaac, the both of us, with both of us there, Allison and me and Isaac, so it's not like it's weird or anything, and the lemony scent I keep smelling off of them, I figured it was just a teenager thing, you know like always lemony, well actually at first I thought-"

"Scott slow down what-" Derek tried to get a word in but Scott forged ahead. 

"I mean I really thought my mom was using too much Pine-Sol, I actually had to tell her something because the scent never left my nose, and then I realized it had seeped into the bed from that time we all fell asleep doing chem homework, and remember that time Allison got sick-"

"Oh God the entire pack remembers when Allison got sick," Derek mumbled not even bothering to try to stop Scott. Derek had a feeling that Scott needed to talk it out to himself more than to Derek. Derek wondered if he could just put the phone down and pick it back up when Scott stopped talking. Stiles' disapproving face came to mind and Derek grimaced as he tuned back in.

"And I had to go to work but she had a fever of 101, and I know that's not really bad but like she looked so sad, and I didn't want to leave her by herself and yeah okay, so I know her dad was there, but still, so I called Isaac and asked if he would sit with her, and I came back and found them both asleep and that smell was there again, the lemony smell, like lemonade, and I think I sort of knew then, but I got into bed with them and fell asleep too and forgot all about the lemonade-"

"Scott do you see the pattern that's," Derek tried but Scott wasn't having any of it.

"I didn't mean to look, that time in the locker room, I just turned around and Isaac was naked, which okay a lot of people were naked, but like Isaac was right there, and he has more muscle than you'd think, like lean muscle, but I didn't stare I looked away, so it didn't mean anything right, everyone else was naked too, so it couldnt've meant anything, then there was that dream though what with the odd threesome thing, but I can't control my dreams Derek, like they just happen alright so stop trying to say, whatever it is you're trying to say!" Scott finally finished, out of breath and heart racing. 

"I haven't said anything for minutes Scott, you wouldn't let me," Derek deadpanned.

"Oh."

"It's okay to like Isaac, you know," Derek told Scott. Derek tried to think about what Stiles might say in this same situation. Normally, the pack went to Stiles for this kind of thing. His phone kept making him privy to interesting facts about his packmates. 

"I'm not saying I like Isaac."

"It's okay for Allison to like Isaac?"

"Was that a question?" 

"Maybe?" 

"Derek?"

"Yeah?"

"What if, what if Allison does like Isaac? What if I like Isaac? What, what do we do?" Scott sounded wrecked, as if he had been struggling with this for longer than just this phone conversation. 

"Talk it out, that's really all you can do. Does Isaac know any of this?"

"I don't know. I mean his nose is as good as mine, and I'm pretty sure he's more observant than I am. Okay, I'm like really sure he is. He has to have noticed. Maybe I have to talk with Allison first."

"She's not going to leave you Scott. It's painfully above and beyond obvious that she'd do anything to stay with you."

"Derek, it's nice of you to say but it's really weird hearing it from you," Scott said perturbed. 

"I'm not cut out for this kind of talking. Stiles handles this stuff better than I do," Derek admitted. 

"Kind of on the same topic, have you heard about Erica and Boyd and their open pack policy?" 

"Did everyone know before me? Does Stiles know?" Derek asked.

"I don't know man, but you think anyone will take them up on it?"

"Are you asking because you want to take them up on it?"

"What! No, I mean, God, I can't even handle the maybe thing with Isaac yet," Scott grumbled. 

"That's probably for the best then," Derek snorted. 

"I think I gotta go talk to Alli. And I thought being a werewolf was going to be the toughest part of my teenage years. Uh, thanks for the, talk, you uh, did a good job," Scott offered. "You might want to look into that autocorrect thing though, that's really confusing," Scott said before hanging up. 

Fucking Albatross indeed, Derek thought to himself. He didn't know how anything in his pack's relationships was going to work out, but it certainly seemed to be heading towards something. Before anything else though, Derek needed to fix this fucking phone.


	4. Round 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Derek calls Boyd for help and ends up getting lectured by Erica.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A smallish chapter this time around. Derek needs some help but Boyd isn't sure he wants too. Erica is helpful in a way that helps everyone. Looks like I'll be rounding this fic out with one more chapter after this. Peter's ultimate plan is falling in to place. The pack is getting around to the idea of poly feels. Thank you to everyone who has left kudos or commented, I really appreciate it. un-beta'd all mistakes are my own :)

To: Beta-Boyd  
11:31 pm

I need your hands.

To: BossWolf  
11:32 pm

for what?

To: Beta-Boyd  
11:33 pm

I can't fix this prostitute. Ewe need to come over Nordstroms. 

To: BossWolf  
11:34 pm

um, I don't kno how I feel about that

To: Beta-Boyd  
11:35 pm

Do ewe not know handjobs?

To: BossWolf  
11:36 pm

I know what they r but why do u need my help? 

To: Beta-Boyd  
11:37 pm

Peter won't help me and I can't fuck it out. 

To: BossWolf  
11:38 pm

does stiles know what u and peter r getting up to?

To: Beta-Boyd  
11:39 pm

I told styles about my prostitute and Peter and he tried to help but he couldn't fuck it out either

To: BossWolf  
11:40 pm

wow I didn't think stiles would be ok with that

To: Beta-Boyd  
11:42pm

He is, now will ewe help me? I think Peter masturbated up the prostitute, it won't respond to any commands.

To: BossWolf  
11:43pm

what?! is she okay? or do you have a he? either way, are they okay?!

To: Beta-Boyd  
11:44 pm

Who are ewe taffy about? What sweater?

To: BossWolf  
11:45 pm

the prostitute! who else would i b talking about??!?

To: Beta-Boyd  
11:46

Prostitute, I didn't Jesus Fucking Christmas!!! Aftershave really!!

To: BossWolf  
11:47 pm

is this a werewolf thing, like are you in heat or something? I mean I'm pretty sure jackson was joking about that

 

Boyd grabbed his phone off the nightstand. Beside him Erica stirred and blinked blearily at him. 

"I think our fearless leader murdered a prostitute in some sort of sex frenzy with his uncle," Boyd told Erica.

"Okay, I must be too sleepy to really understand what you're saying, because you just used the words prostitute, sex frenzy, and uncle in the same sentence with Derek," Erica yawned widely.

"No joke," Boyd replied as Derek started calling him. "Oh good, maybe he's calling so that we can go over there and help him bury the body," Boyd said sarcastically. "Derek? You haven't killed your prostitue have you?" Boyd answered his phone with questions. 

"I don't have a prostitute, my fucking phone is on autocorrect," Derek growled out. Boyd started laughing. "It's not funny, I can't figure this damn thing out, I really think Peter has it on some sort of lock. I think I have to take it in to an actual store so they can fix it."

"So, you aren't having rampant sex with your uncle and some prostitue?" 

"Fuck, no. Is that why you asked if Stiles was okay with it? Why would you think Stiles would be okay with that?!"

"Hey, whatever type of thing you and Stiles have going on, as long as you're both cool with it, I couldn't care less," Boyd told the alpha. Erica made grabby hands at the phone but Boyd ignored her. 

"Boyd, please never mention my uncle and me and sex again in the same paragraph. Do you think you can give my phone a look tomorrow?" Derek tried to keep the desperation out of his voice. He mostly succeded. 

"I mean I can try, but I don't really...hey!" Boyd complained as Erica wrestled the phone out of his hands, resulting in both of them tumbling over the bed. Good thing her parents were heavy sleepers. 

"Derek, are you and Stiles ever going to have sex? You've been dancing around each other for weeks now, the entire pack has been waiting for you," Erica berated the alpha. She squirmed off of Boyd, sitting up with her back against the bed. 

"What? Why is anybody waiting for that? That is between Stiles and I," Derek fended off his nosey beta. Boyd grumbled as he got back into the bed, pulling the covers up with him. 

"Yeah, it's between you and Stiles, plus anyone with a werewolf nose. We'll all be able to tell instantly, not to mention if we puppy pile in the same bed you two have been boinking each other in. Even without the nose, I'm sure Lydia will know as well, seeing as how she can read body language better than most of us."

"Privacy means nothing to you," Derek groaned.

"Nope. Not when you two are the catalyst for the rest of us. Don't you see, we've all been tiptoeing around something really awesome. We've got all the ingredients together for some really spectacular happenings, but the bowl and mixer haven't gotten together."

"Who is the bowl in this situation?"

"Argh! Derek, not the important part, God!"

"Are you trying to say that the reason that half the pack isn't sleeping with the other half is because Stiles and I haven't had sex yet?"

"Ding, ding, ding! Finally, he gets it. Just hurry up and sort your hangups out. And get your phone fixed, Jackson was raving the other day bout midgets' prostates or shark week or something. It was confusing but I'm pretty sure it had to do with your autocorrect situation."

"Munchkins," Derek supplied.

"What?"

"It was munchkins, not midgets. I'm going to sort my phone out tomorrow, and we have another meeting to see if we can map all the areas we've scented the sulphur," Derek told her.

"Alright, Boyd and I will be there, bye fearless leader." Erica handed the phone back to Boyd.

"Do you think this is what Peter wanted?" Boyd asked after Erica had settled herself against him.

"Will we ever really know what he wants? I can't see how he would gain anything by the pack finally getting together and admitting their feelings. That seems, too domestic of him." 

"Maybe he's changed."

"The day Jackson and Scott finally fuck out their problems, will be the day I'll believe that Peter has changed," Erica said, feeling more than hearing Boyd's laughter. She just hoped for once, Derek would be allowed to have his cake and eat it too.


	5. And the Winner Is...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Derek gets his phone fixed and enjoys a view.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, so um, whoops I sort of wrote smut. (and by wrote smut I mean I poorly attempted to write a sex scene, please feel free to mock it, I haven't ever written smut like this, I have no clue what I'm doing lol) Also if sex scenes aren't your thing stop reading at the (*) and start again at the other (*). Though, that makes the chapter very short just warning you, I didn't realize my porn writing would sort of eat the chapter. So, Derek gets his phone fixed, I know, I wanted to write more autocorrect hilarity, but I just couldn't see Derek being so dense as to not realize what was happening. Not to mention, the entire pack knows about his phone fails now, and would understand his ranting about prostitutes and sharks. (well except for Scott lol) Isaac gets a nice little bit in this which I was excited about writing. Poly feels are definitely happening. Thanks for all of your comments and kudos, it's been a fun ride. un-beta'd all mistakes are my own :) (also for those of you who have been along with me for the entire series, check out the end notes, afterwards)

Stiles entered his room just in time to see Derek crawl through his window.

"Oh hey, anymore info on the sulphur? Apparently different variations mean different supernatural things. It'd be really helpful if we had a sample of it. Lydia and I could try taking it apart or something," Stiles said. A bowl of familiar sweet smelling peach cobbler sat on his desk.

"Cobbler?" Derek asked already knowing the answer. 

"Mm, Peter dropped it off yesterday as thanks for the pancakes from forever ago. He's making it really difficult to dislike him, but easier to be suspicious. It's a strange combo," Stiles confessed, putting another spoon of cobbler in his mouth. Derek rubbed his hands over his face. Turning to take off his jacket, Derek noticed the bed.

"Like it? Dad ordered it online and had them build it into the room. It hasn't been werewolf tested yet, but Scott and I put sacks of sand, we found on the side of the road, on it. It didn't break," Stiles spoke as Derek went to stand in front of it.

The bed would easily hold the entire pack comfortably, and with a little more room to grow. It spanned half of Stiles' room, taking up what little floor space the room had before.

"Your room..." Derek stared at the huge piece of furniture. It didn't have any posts, instead it lay flush with the floor, bracketed by two walls.

"Is basically a ginormous bed and a computer table? I'm aware, but the pack really needed it. Also it has this cool storage in it so I didn't need the dresser anymore. It's a bed and a dresser. A bedresser...or something. Here let me show you where I put the pack's clothes. Did you get your phone fixed?" Stiles asked, kneeling down to pull the drawers open. 

"Finally, the phone people were very confused as to how the autocorrect got locked but it's..." Derek stopped talking as Stiles knelt on all fours, shuffling around the drawers with his ass in the air. 

"Huh, I thought I put them here, maybe this one, it's what now?" Stiles asked completely unaware as to what he looked like. 

"It's fine," Derek breathed out as he tried to control his rising instincts. 

"Good because I've been hearing some things about that prostitute problem of yours again, not to mention something about Allison and a new sex position. You know how Scott gets when...why are your eyes doing that flashy thing?" Stiles asked suddenly. He had turned to glance at Derek when he noticed the wolf's eyes. Derek's nostrils flared as he scented the spike in Stiles' scent. 

"I wasn't doing anything particularly alluring, unless lost clothes gets you going. Or, oh, was it the, bending over bit?" Stiles asked hesitantly, licking his lips out of habit. Derek watched Stiles' neck flush. Opening his mouth to say something, his words died in his throat as Stiles deliberately turned back around bending over his bed. Derek couldn't think of a more blatant invitation. 

(*)

"If I had known this was all I needed to do to get you to make a move, I would've bent over every goddamn surface I came across," Stiles said, his voice going interestingly lower. "Do you know how crazy you've made me knowing that you're interested but not knowing what you want?" 

"I want everything," Derek whispered from right behind him. Derek could hear Stiles' heart hammering in his chest, an echo of Derek's own. 

"Really? Because I know we've been hanging out more, but we've barely even kissed since the puppy pile that broke the bed," Stiles' voice hitched as Derek's hand skimmed down his side. Derek felt every bit of muscle, of bone, ending the caress at Stiles' hip gripping the boy to himself. 

"I didn't want to push for anything, you're so young and," Derek bit back a gasp as Stiles pushed his ass into Derek's groin. 

"Stop. playing. the. young. card." Stiles bit out as he found out personally how affected Derek was by his display. "I don't know what else I could possibly do, to tell you how much I want this, how much I want you. I'd strip off my clothes and dance around you until you got it, if I thought it would help." 

"The bending will suffice," Derek grinned even though Stiles couldn't see it. Derek brought his hand up towards that devastating neck he'd been wanting to taste for months, gripping Stiles so that he sat up on his knees. The bed put Stiles at the perfect height for Derek to lick a stripe alongside Stiles' neck, earning him a soft moan from Stiles. 

"Apparently so," Stiles replied, his voice rough. "More of that," Stiles demanded, reaching back to grab Derek. The alpha obliged, sucking marks into Stiles' skin that he just knew his father would ask about. Derek could taste Stiles' lust on the boy's skin, making him nip a little harder than he inteded. A throaty moan told Derek that Stiles did not mind in the least. 

"This okay?" 

"God, yes," Stiles answered, leaning his head against Derek's shoulder, baring the entirety of his neck. Derek's could feel his teeth elongate and his claws grow. Wondering what he could get away with, Derek pushed Stiles unceremoniously facedown on the bed.

"Mfmmmf!" Stiles complained. "You could warn a...oh," Stiles whole body lit up with pleasure as Derek straddled his ass, grinding his erection into Stiles with deliberate strokes. 

Stiles arched into Derek, putting himself on his elbows so his ass raised up. Derek ran a hand up Stiles' shirt, palming the length of Stiles' spine in a long caress. Stiles ground into the bed a little, trying to get any type of friction he could on his own erection. He needed more, more of Derek, more of this. He'd been waiting for Derek to do something, anything. 

"More," Stiles begged. 

"You sure?" Derek asked. Stiles had to be sure.

"That's it, I'm taking off my own pants," Stiles grumbled, trying to get up but Derek's weight kept him down. "Ugh, how are you this heavy, you're not even that much taller than I am, like maybe an inch," Stiles complained as Derek enjoyed his squirming. 

"Werewolf, remember," Derek huffed out, his teeth making his words near growls. 

"Your teeth are out aren't they?" Stiles asked as he stopped trying to get away. He didn't even need Derek to touch him for his body to flush with warmth. His hips flexed involuntarily and Derek made a small sound then.

"You like it don't you, when I've partially let go," Derek growled out. Stiles writhed under him. Moving back a little, Derek jerked Stiles on his hands, tugging at his shirt. "Off," Derek ordered. Stiles sat back to oblige, putting himself squarely in Derek's lap. 

Derek watched Stiles take his shirt off, watched the play of muscles that moved beneath pale skin. Stiles' may not be as built as Scott or Jackson, but he was lean and toned. Freckles dotted Stiles' skin, the only other marks were the ones Derek had left with his teeth. Wrapping his arms around Stiles, Derek held him for a moment. Stiles' heartrate was quick as a jackrabbit. He breathed in Stiles' scent, enjoying the silence.

"So, did you want the lube because it's in one of those drawers," Stiles spoke, breaking not only the silence but the last bit of control Derek had been holding onto. Leaving a harsh bite on Stiles' shoulder that made him cry out, Derek stripped off his own shirt. 

"Yes, lube," Derek growled out against his fangs. Words were getting hard to form. 

"Fuck don't need to tell me twice," Stiles got his legs back from Derek, switching himself around so that his front half dangled off the bed. 

"Here you, goooah," Stiles worded, tossing the lube at Derek as the alpha tossed his black shirt onto the floor. And seriously, Stiles needed to let Derek know that no one would judge him for buying other colors than black. Later, though, as Stiles was now too busy drooling over Derek to be of any good. 

"Can I just, yeah," Stiles mumbled as he reached out to drag his nails down Derek's chest. Derek's hips flexed and Stiles couldn't help himself. He climbed on top of Derek, shoving his tongue inside of Derek's mouth. Stiles' mouth tasted like peaches and Derek pressed himself closer, as if he could crawl inside Stiles. Stiles could feel the press of fangs against his lips and he bucked against Derek, earning a moan. Stiles' skin felt too hot, his body ached for Derek. 

"Come on, come on please, I'm so ready, please," Stiles begged, nuzzling along Derek's jaw. True wolves often begged by licking one another's chin and jaw, Stiles wondered if it were the same for werewolves. Stiles licked the space between Derek's neck and collarbone, laved the hollow that he'd been dying to touch for months. He bit down suddenly, getting a nice chunk of muscle between his teeth, felt Derek go rigid and then moan loud. 

Derek outlined Stiles' length through his jeans in retaliation. Stiles would not admit later that a high whine escaped him. 

"Pants, off," Derek rumbled as he unbuttoned his jeans. Stiles batted his hands away, "You too," he told the alpha. Stiles wasn't surprised to see that Derek had foregone underwear. Derek reached for Stiles but the younger boy pulled back a little. 

"Um, so there's something I have to tell you," Stiles said, his scent changing to nervousness. Derek felt his fangs detract along with his claws.

"Did you change your mind about the condoms, because I told you that I'd be okay with that if you wanted to use one," Derek reassured Stiles. They had had the condom-no-condom talk weeks ago, deciding against them as Derek couldn't get or give anything and Stiles hadn't touched anyone but himself. 

"No, not that, just, I had um, been dying for you basically, and sort of took matters into my own hands," Stiles answerd vaguely.

"Stiles, if you're trying to tell me that you masturbated, a lot, I know, I can smell it in your room." 

"I know you can smell that, but this is sort of different," Stiles replied, deciding to just show Derek because he didn't think he'd be able to say it. Taking off his boxers, he turned around again, getting back onto all fours. 

"Oh, that's what you meant. Why would...?" 

"I got tired of waiting for you to put something in my ass, so I did it for myself. I, um, hadn't planned on sex today so I just sort of, had it in," Stiles elaborated why he had an anal plug in. Derek couldn't look away from the purple base. "It cuts down on prep time," Stiles offered helpfully. 

"Suddenly, I'm a big fan of this," Derek rumbled, reaching out to run his hands with their returning claws over Stiles ass. 

"Thought you'd be," Stiles commented smartly. Stiles would also not admit later that he let out a squeak when Derek dragged him backwards by the hips. He stopped breathing at the delicious tug he felt as Derek removed the plug he had bought on a whim. 

Derek poured lube onto his cock, wondering where Stiles acquired lube and an anal plug. Derek knew there wasn't a sex shop in Beacon Hills. 

Stiles tried to take slower breaths as he waited for Derek. Tried, but couldn't stop the short pants that had started. He reached down to stroke himself but Derek batted at his hand. 

"What?" Stiles asked, all confusion and want.

"You're so worked up, I'm wondering if I could make you cum without even touching you," Derek growled, spreading the lube. 

"Oh, God," Stiles mumbled bracing himself as Derek fitted himself behind Stiles, the alpha's erection teasing at Stiles' hole. 

"Just breathe," Derek advised.

"Easy for you to saaaaayy," Stiles dragged out his words, trying not to tense as Derek entered him. Stiles knew it would be different than the plug, he knew this, but he winced anways, trembling on his forearms. 

"S'okay?" Derek asked around his canines, giving a shallow thrust. 

"Mmmhm," Stiles answered, wanting more, pushing back to take Derek in. Derek leaned forward, taking most of his weight onto one arm, reaching with his other to wrap around Stiles' neck. Stiles wouldn't admit later that he might sort of have a thing for hands on his neck. 

Stiles felt his skin break out in a light sweat, groaning as Derek's hips finally fit flush against his. Derek was pressing open mouthed kisses to Stiles' spine, dragging his teeth against the bony knobs. 

"Move, already," Stiles moaned out, not even caring how debauched his voice sounded. Derek began to thrust slowly, but Stiles had other ideas. Gripping the bed to give him leverage, Stiles bucked backwards, catching Derek off guard and ripping a surprised sound from the wolf. Derek gave a low growl that Stiles felt, before jacking his hips forward, putting his weight into the action to make it deep. 

"Yes, oh fuck, fucking finally," Stiles stuttered out. He'd been waiting, so long to feel Derek like this. And it hurt, of course it hurt, but in the best possible way. He was leaking pre-come, making a mess of the new bedspread but he just couldn't seem to care. 

"God, you feel, you're so..." Derek couldn't find the right words as he angled his hips. Stiles opened his mouth to answer but instead gave a small shout as Derek hit something inside of him that shot sparks behind his eyes. 

"Oh, there?" Derek asked, thrusting his hips against the same spot. 

"There, there," Stiles panted, as a low thrum of pleasure started to build in his stomach. He was very glad he hadn't bet Derek earlier, because he sure as fuck was going to cum without being touched. 

Derek adjusted his hand as he felt his claws fully extend, not wanting to nick Stiles, but not wanting to let go either. Stiles felt Derek's claws drag down his throat and he whined at the feel of it. 

"Wanted this, wanted you," Derek breathed against the back of Stiles' neck, the words sounding punched from the wolf. The admission along with the constant pressure against his prostate was just too much. Stiles felt his orgasm roll through him, burning against his skin, stroking every bit of him as he came with moan. 

"Fuck," Derek groaned, feeling Stiles flutter around him, shoving as deep as he could into Stiles as his own orgasm hit him. 

"I think, I think you broke me, my legs feel like mush," Stiles half-heartedly complained. He felt Derek pull out and squirmed at the sensation. Derek grabbed Stiles as he fell onto his back, spooning up behind the teen. 

"You're not getting regret-y on me are you?" Stiles felt absolutely sated. 

"No, no regrets," Derek responded, nosing at the marks he had made. Stiles hissed lightly, now that the adrenaline wore off, he was starting to feel them. 

"Think we have time for a nap before the rest of the pack gets here?" 

"mm," Derek answered, tucking Stiles against him. 

"Because I know that they can smell us, but probably won't be able to smell everything until they're at the window."

"mm."

"I don't want to scar Scott like that. And oh my God, what if Lydia saw?"

"Shhh," Derek shushed Stiles, putting his hand over the boy's mouth. "You make me happy," Derek told Stiles, effectively shutting him up. Stiles grinned into Derek's arm, closing his eyes. Alarm be damned, Derek would know when the others came.

(*)

Derek and Stiles were lucky that the first one to make it to the pack meeting was Isaac, the beta thought to himself. Both of his alphas were naked, very obviously sleeping off what must have been some great sex if the smells were anything to go by. Isaac felt himself go half hard at the heavy smell of lemon. Sighing, he climbed in the window. 

Isaac had known for quite some time that he was attracted to both Stiles and Derek. He knew that they found him attractive, Isaac knew how to use his nose to his advantage. Isaac also knew that most the of the pack would be in a huge orgy-relationship-type-thing, if only Stiles and Derek would get their act together. Isaac smiled to himself as he climbed into bed behind Derek, knowing full well that Derek knew he was there. Hopefully, the two of them having sex would be a step in the right direction, Isaac may be patient, but even he had his limits. 

"You'd better get clothes on before Scott gets here. Although his shrieking would be hilarious, I don't think Allison would like it very much if he dropped her because he was shielding his eyes," Isaac whispered to Derek. Derek snorted, but shook Stiles to wake him.

"Whaa? Time for meeting?"

"Time for clothes before you cause your best friend to need therapy," Derek told Stiles, getting out of bed to find that drawer with the pack clothes. Rolling over Stiles froze as he saw Isaac. 

"Gah! When did you get here?" Stiles thought about covering himself, but realized it was a little too late for that. 

"Couple minutes ago," Isaac replied trying valiantly not to look at Stiles anywhere but his eyes. Stiles noticed and filed away that information to ponder at, at a later time. 

"Right, I'm going to go, with my pants," Stiles stumbled over his words, grabbing his pants on the way to the bathroom. 

Derek zipped his pants up, turning to look at the pup on the bed. 

"Isaac," Derek started, "If, Stiles is okay with it, I wouldn't mind-"

"I know," Isaac cut off the alpha. Isaac could feel a blush start on his ears. "I'm, not sure I want to let him know yet, about how...I feel or anything," he said, looking at the ground. "I mean you two just got together and," Isaac stopped as he waved his hand in the air vaguely. 

"Yeah, but you're the first one he called his," Derek told Isaac, watching him as the pup looked up. 

"He loves you," Isaac stated, meeting the alpha's eyes. Derek's heart clenched. 

"I know," Derek whispered. Stiles might not have said it, but he didn't have to. Everything Stiles did shouted it more than words could. "But, he loves you too," Derek let his pup know. They both whipped their heads towards the door as Stiles came back in. 

"Talking about me?" Stiles joked, picking his shirt off the floor, sniffing it and then tossing it back on the floor. He went to get a new shirt, not noticing the pointed glances Derek and Isaac were sharing. 

"Oh thank God, you two have clothes on," Scott said in relief, appearing at the window with Allison on his back.

"I don't know why you would thank anyone for that," Allison mumbled. Scott turned to give her a look as he held out his hand to help her inside Stiles' room. 

"Come on, I have the map downstairs," Stiles bumped fists with Scott as the two left the room. Derek nodded at Allison before following. 

'Did you,' Allison mouthed at Isaac, waving her finger around the room. Isaac shook his head in response. Allison tilted her head in understanding, holding out her arm in offering. Isaac smiled and walked towards her, threading his arm through hers. Yes, definitely a step in the right direction, Isaac thought as they walked down to the living room to wait for the rest of the pack. 

Epilogue***

Derek walked into the burnt out living room of his old home to see Peter poking at one of the walls. He saw the instant Peter scented the air, a smile breaking out on his uncle's face.

"Don't," Derek warned.

"What, I can't be happy for you?"

"No, it's weird," Derek answered. 

"I've been back how many months, and I haven't done anything "diabolical"," Peter air-quoted. 

"It had better stay that way. Stiles is starting to like you, and the people Stiles usually ends up liking are people he ends up caring about. And if you do something, anything, to make him regret liking you, I'll kill you again and this time I'll make sure you stay down," Derek told him. 

"I'm not doing anything Derek," Peter sighed, a vibrating sound making him take his phone out of his pocket. Derek looked on in confusion, he didn't know his uncle had anyone else in his contact list besides himself. 

"Who are you texting?" 

"Erica, she came by before going to your pack meeting to get my number. She's sent a picture of you and Stiles sleeping together." 

"What, I didn't know she took those," Derek complained, looking at the picture that Peter held up for him to see. 

"Not everyone thinks I'm going to go off the deep end," Peter argued. 

"Things are just getting...well not back to normal, but they're getting calm. I can't have you right under my nose messing things up. I have a good idea about who this is all for, and I'm telling you right now, don't, because I'm sure everyone will have a problem with it." Peter's eyes narrowed as Derek spoke. 

"How many sad months have I watched you pine over Stiles, and you're going to deny me what you've experienced today," Peter said cooly. Derek stared. 

"Stiles won't like it."

"You don't even know for sure what I want."

"I know for sure that you want my phone to text inappropriate things to everyone," Derek glowered at his remaining family member. 

"It's revenge for the mud pies in my shoes," Peter stated. If Derek were Stiles, his mouth would have dropped open. As it was, Derek couldn't stop an incredulous look that blossomed on his face. 

"Are you fucking kidding me?! That was years ago, I was ten! It could have been anyone's shoes, yours just happened to be there. How was I supposed to know you'd stick your feet in them with socks on!" 

"Now, we're even," Peter laughed, walking outside to leave Derek alone. Derek regretted ever learning about mud pies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, you're wondering, what about the sulphur? What about pack cuddles? Don't worry, I knew when I tossed the sulphur in this fic that I wouldn't get around to sorting it out in this story, but I have it all outlined for my next one. Yep, there will be more, more cuddles, more pack, the sulphur problem will be fixed. Along with the Hale house. Peter has the ultimate plan, it will get sorted out fic by fic. The Sheriff will also get more screen time. I'm also thinking I may go back and write a few of the behind the scenes, scenes I alluded to in this one (Allison being sick, Peter dropping off the cobbler). The pack will start pairing off into more pairs, triads, and possibly even bigger things. And I'm rolling around the idea of having some of the other wolves get iPhones, just so I can write small fics about their autocorrect fails, if anyone's interested in that. :)


End file.
